Man, I feel like an old woman

It's been over a week since I last posted and I wanted to share some good news first which is that around 24 hours after that last post, I started feeling a lot better in myself. Headaches gone, a flatter tummy including 5lbs weight loss in as many days, and a feeling that though I still don't get a night's sleep at a time, my insomnia has improved a little.

So to spoil the fun I decided to do my regular fitness DVD and thought that the legs, bums and tums section would be good to do. I managed a few crunches on the floor, remembered I don't like them as they strain my neck, so grabbed the gym ball (the one you buy then kick around a bit, and occasionally sit on when there isn't enough seating for visitors!) and did some crunches including the oblique side ones. Feeling happy I'd got the toning part of the back-to-exercise plan going I went to bed but woke up the next day feeling way too sore to have just done a few crunches. Another day later, the pain was immense and was clearly related to a major nerve. I realised this was sciatic pain from my lower back all the way down to my knee - joy!

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my work-related discount physio just a day later who armed me with a new exercise plan ("no more crunches" - woohoo!). Though the new stretches and copious painkiller regime haven't magically fixed it, I did notice that sitting in the office today, whilst not exactly comfortable, wasn't quite the painful nightmare that it was last week.

Just before the nerve pain started last week, I noticed my right knee has started making an interesting crunchy stretchy noise when I get up from squatting...man, I feel like an old woman...

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore

Well it's 3 days (Friday) after the scan, I've been sugar free since Wednesday and 95% wheat/gluten free too and I feel....awful. But this is what I expected as I need to wean off the nasties. I've only ever had oral thrush once after antibiotics years ago and don't have the digestive symptoms so I'm thinking my pancreas may well be stressed but not to the point that I'm coeliac or diabetic particularly. I've just enjoyed my food and drink a bit too much like most people. My GP did give me a cholesterol and diabetes blood test a month or so ago when she didn't like my extra weight so I will go and have that done though I also know from a test I've had since at work that my cholesterol isn't scary at 4.8. Lots of other slimmer people were getting 6 or more so that's hopefully because my diet is cooked from scratch as much as possible. However I will persist with this as it's a plausible theory and I have weight to lose anyway.

Can you hear the sound of me convincing myself this is all a good idea after another rough night meant I was off work yesterday utterly exhausted? Thought so. I'm sitting here like someone who's been driving somewhere all night and whose body clock is totally off kilter. A double espresso with sugar would solve it temporarily but that's not an option. I have a rapid pulse with the flushes as it is so it wouldn't be a great idea.

My third acupuncture appointment last night after I finally got up properly around 5pm was good though, the needles hurt and some were above the knee for the first time, but I was floaty once more afterwards.

Bioresonance scan

Alison, my acupuncturist, recommended that I have a bioresonance scan to detect where my imbalances are in my body, so off I went to see Susie Cornell yesterday. Now I'm usually pretty cynical about this sort of thing however under the circumstances, I'm up for trying anything that may help me or work out what's happened and why.

After taking the usual medical history, I discovered I was already being scanned as I was filling in the paperwork.  I then put two wristbands on that were attached to the E-Lybra bioresonance machine and something that looked like a small version of a disco lights rope round my neck which was also attached to the machine. On closer inspection the "rope" seemed to have small coloured stones in it. Hmmmm.

As I sat there and Susie was getting feedback that she was interpreting for me, a curious thing happened: she seemed to detect a lot of psychological and physical symptoms that I've had even as specific as my feet (arch) problems and recent styes in both eyes. Now really, she could be doing a Derren Brown on me but I'm happy to be Derren'd if it works just as a placebo so long as something works! What was even more uncanny was that my very recent food choices seemed to show up on the machine too, from my daily porridge (too much my body says) right down to the extra portions of lamb I've had last week as lamb is good for kidney Yin (it's now banned from my new diet - nooo!)

The E-lybra was apparently detoxing me and I've got a pendant to wear or have near me with my program on it that will work for up to 3 months. It's not a biggie to have a pendant near me so it can't hurt, I thought with an open mind. But the part that I was most interested in is what my body was saying about nutrition and adding more to the story of what's happened to me.

It seems now that my body was doing a good but hard job fighting off candida growth until Mum died, when the emotional shock hit my immune system which led to candida overgrowth. This then in turn affected my ovaries shutting them down. It is very true to say that candida has been implicated as an auto-immune cause of POF so my interest was piqued by this diagnosis. A personalised anti-candida change in diet along with some Ecobalance supplements to fight off the candida is the plan for the next 3 months. I don't digest sugar, wheat and gluten easily so I have fairly obvious foods to totally avoid within my list of individual worst offenders. If I fall off the wagon occasionally or just cut down rather than eliminate the food that's apparently ok too thank goodness!

Up and down and up and down and...

Bursting into tears because I couldn't find a belt for my jeans yesterday was a little overdramatic I must say, but that's what happens at the drop of a hat for those of us enjoying the ups and downs of hormone levels. Grrr!! Once the tears have fallen (and after the inevitable hot flush) then there is a period of calm and then I'm kind of myself again, but then the cycle of tears and calm continues on a repetitive loop.

I must have cried enough tears to have lost a stone by now but alas I haven't lost the weight. Maybe I'm making up for the several years after my Mum died when I found crying nigh on impossible, but had painful RSI and the POF started instead. Which may mean it's a good thing as it's letting out the stress in a healthier way, though losing a belt is really not the end of the world!

Sometimes the tears are for no reason at all really, just the slightest thing starts me off like the lost belt, but at other times it's the frustration of no sleep because of never-ending night sweats or at worst, it's an all consuming grief for the children that I can't have - whether I wanted them or not, they can no longer happen and I need to grieve their loss.

To eat or not to eat but what? Is the question...

We've all read these stories in the media about the effects of drinking or eating certain things only once a day, 5.2 portions a day or cutting them out completely as that will or won't have a positive effect on heart disease, mental health, chances of getting cancer and so on. Really and truly, apart from some broad generalisations like eating pasties and ice cream is not a great idea on a regular basis, then our own health is very individual: what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Eventually there will come a time when there will be tests on our DNA and blood which will give us all a personalised plan of how to look after ourselves nutritionally, mentally and physically.

Until that time comes, it can be quite stressful with POF to work out what I should or shouldn't be eating. Hot flushes do punish me if I drink alcohol or caffeine, I have one coffee a day now and virtually no alcohol. But the rest is arguable depending on how much oestrogen I need to replace, whether I'm following Western and/or Chinese nutrition guidelines (Zita West's book shows how to combine both), treating specific menopausal symptoms, and the other lifestyle changes I'm making. What's good for one thing is not necessarily good for another. Soya products, which I previously regularly ate and drank when I wasn't eating meat for 10 years, are or aren't effective as they contain phyto-oestrogens, can reduce cholesterol, ward off osteoporosis and some cancers. The jury is still out now though as they also increase the risks of other cancers, don't always stave off menopausal symptoms and may not be the wonder food they were first made out to be after all. And that's not the only food where there's a conflict.

After driving myself crazy obsessing over what is and isn't good for me, I've decided to cut out the processed stodge and too many sweet things, and just ensure that whatever food I eat is varied and good quality, and I aim to eat at regular intervals during the day. So meat is organic and bought from a farm shop or local butcher, fish is wild and not farmed (my other half needs to do more sea fishing from his boat which he loves!), I drink lots of water during the day now and I try to eat breakfast every morning (ok I had my porridge at 11.55am today!).

Probably the most important thing though is not to stress about what I'm eating as that negates why I'm changing my food choices in the first place! Zita West promotes combining Western and Eastern medicine and nutrition but not going on a "diet" per se or worrying about eating cakes and drinking wine if it happens occasionally - now where's that lovely hot chocolate?

Acupuncture and Craniosacral therapy second appointment

On Saturday I had my second appointment with Alison. This time the needles went in my lower legs again from just under the knee on my shin to the top of my feet just under where the toes start, plus 3 or 4 needles around my tummy button. The needles nearest my toes hurt this time and I could definitely feel the ones in my legs too though the tummy ones didn't hurt at all. I didn't think to ask Alison as it was the same points as the previous time and I assumed this means that that needles are doing what they should be. I think I will ask her next time, particularly if it happens again.

She also did some cranial work under my neck, and lots of mouthwork not with the needles but she put her fingers in my inside cheekbones, the roof and floor of my mouth and on my teeth. This was to unlock the communication that is lacking in my system since the period of intense stress that caused this. I didn't feel relaxed afterwards this time, not anything like as groggy and relaxed as I was on the first appointment, I just felt pretty much as I had when I walked in, so not sure what to make of that really.

Both of these appointments were early mornings, I'm switching to weekday evenings for the rest of my appointments that I have booked so it will be interesting to see if this makes a difference at all.

I'm also planning to go back to my GP to have tests done to see if the acupuncture and/or DHEA has had any impact on my FSH and other hormone levels. Plus I'm going to keep an eye on my blood pressure too as she had said that it should be lowered after treatment. I'll try not to get my hopes up too high yet though as it's easy to get excited and then be let down. Fingers crossed!

Error 4.04am: Sleep Not Found

This morning I woke up at 4.04am as I've realised I do every morning, always between 4 and 5am. I had had problems getting to sleep a few months ago while still on Yasmin however, it's now waking up in the night that plagues me most. I've almost forgotten what it's like to get a full night's sleep now. Still, I do remind myself that's only the same as the average new Mum I guess, and they have a child to deal with, at least I don't have that too!

The insomnia is ongoing with the night flushes now added in since I'm pill free, I tried a fan last night and froze until I turned it off when I was then too hot - can't win! And then just as I thought I'm getting dozy enough to get some decent sleep, suddenly it's 6.30am and I need to be up and about to go to work. I go to bed at or around 10pm generally, only have one cup of coffee with caffeine in the mornings and don't drink much at all anymore apart from special occasions.

I've tried milky hot chocolate, valerian and hops herbal sleep aids, exercising in the early evenings to tire me out, reading, but none seem to do it for me. Well, I can get off to sleep better now but I can't sleep for the whole night.

And then I just feel so groggy and lethargic during the day at times (afternoon meetings - nooo!!) which doesn't help me cutting down the coffee to one a day - my quest for a good night's sleep continues...

Feeling hot, hot, hot flushes

Thinking about all of this, I think for me the one symptom that sums up POF and encapsulates its emotional and physical impact is the dreaded hot flush (known as hot flash in the US). Hot flushes are so synonymous with ladies in their late 40s/early 50s, and as you look around an average office, the fans and windows open are generally near these ladies (I say this with my fan on!). So when anyone mentions that I've got a fan on and they say "hot flush?" jokingly, I say yes and then explain it to them as those of us with POF aren't a common breed!

Any woman with hot flushes knows how wretched they make you feel, robbing you of sleep overnight in the form of night sweats, and very draining in general. I'm not belittling the experience of menopause for women of any age but when I had my first dose of hot flushes aged 33, I felt like a hot, sweaty, dried up old woman, like a fruit that's been left on the shelf too long, all wizened and no longer pleasing to look at either. Grey hair was also proliferating at my roots and I remember staring at the bathroom mirror one day seeing a much older me 15-20 years early - in floods of hot tears.

Since I've come off Yasmin the flushes are back with a vengeance and I realise that I judge my oestrogen levels within myself by this one symptom. I did start taking black cohosh this week but I'm already off it as recent research says that it only works as a placebo. I'm drinking soya milk again as there is conflicting evidence that soya can help, I've also started deep abdominal breathing as that cuts them down by 50%, and I've happily discovered I can make them end more quickly and reduce their effects by deep breathing when I feel one coming on.  I'm also going to start swimming again as that's the one exercise where I'm always in a cool environment.

The one thing I've noticed this time that I didn't before though is how I can bring one on with emotions, literally making me "hotheaded" i.e. if I'm angry or sad or happy or just generally expressing a strong emotional reaction to something. I think this in itself adds to the argument that stress can cause this, as emotions and stress have always had a physical effect on me. Conversely, a hot flush can also upset and frustrate me, reminding me in those few minutes once an hour or so that my body's not functioning properly.

My story so far, part 3 - could DHEA be the key?

After the appointment with the gynaecologist, I carried on with Yasmin for the rest of 2010. Then in January 2011 I was doing some more internet research, when I stumbled over something I'd come across before but not really paid much attention to: DHEA.

I pieced together from various searches and sites how a lack of DHEA in my system could possibly hold the key to why I'm menopausal and how I can possibly...maybe...reverse it all!! Woohoo!! Some research by the Neogenesis clinic in Greece and by the Center for Human Reproduction in the US have had some recent excellent results in supposedly post menopausal women like me.

I don't claim to be an expert or adviser on anything that I try and explain here so please look this up for yourself on Google and you'll soon find the information (I'll add links to the blog too). Basically, DHEA is a type of "master/mother" hormone which links the body's adrenal stress system (cortisol, adrenalin) with the hormonal system (oestrogen, progesterone, testosterone). When the body is under acute and then chronic long term stress, then DHEA levels can apparently reduce to permanently low levels as they are overwhelmed by our adrenal system, which then put the body in permanent "fight or flight" syndrome. This in turn shuts down the reproductive system, as our bodies cleverly decide that "now" is not a good time to be pregnant. This is fine when stress is short term as it would have been for our ancient ancestors who needed "fight or flight", but in today's modern lifestyles where chronic stress is very prevalent in young women's lives, this process is our reproductive enemy.

The thinking is from some sources, that DHEA supplements could effectively restart the reproductive system by helping protect the reproductive hormones from the damaging effects of the adrenal system, which would then allow hormones to rise back to normal levels, effectively "reversing" the menopause. Most studies and forum entries suggest that 75mg per day for 4 months is the optimum amount and time for the the DHEA to do its job most successfully - alongside acupuncture and a healthier lifestyle. I must add there are also reports of side effects including hair loss, acne, increased body hair and many more unwanted effects, plus little or no knowledge of the long term effects which may or may not be reversible once coming off the DHEA. I wouldn't recommend anyone does what I'm doing without medical consultation - this is just a decision I've made for me, and it may well be the wrong one.

Needless to say, I've come off the pill now, started on 25mg on DHEA for 10 days now upped to 50mg a day, started acupuncture, plus multivitamins, soy isoflavones, Co-Enzyme Q10 and Black Cohosh (for hot flushes - aarrggh!!), am making better diet choices including very little alcohol or caffeine (sooo hard!) and more exercise as my BMI has crept up to around 27.

Wish me luck and I'll report the results as they happen..