The bitterest pill

Two Fridays ago I saw my GP for the results of my diet and lifestyle choices expecting to hear some improvement but guess what? Nada. Nothing. No change at all. My FSH is stubbornly stuck at 73. Not only that but my blood pressure had risen too. Damnit!

As there's some major changes going on at work and some hot weather, my rate of flushes and night sweats had also increased leaving me in such a strung out state I did the unthinkable and said "ok, I give in, give me some HRT". That was the one thing my GP agreed on, to use HRT and not the pill. So I'm now on Premique continuous pills.

On the following Monday, with the Premique having done nothing to alleviate the flushes and reading in the information that it wouldn't for several weeks(!), I went back and got myself some Clonidine too. Clonidine had apparently stopped the flushes dead in a normally menopausal colleague at work within a couple of days so for me, that sounded like manna from Heaven. Clonidine, isn't hormonal, it "prevents the dilatation of blood vessels and subsequent increased blood flow to the skin, which causes hot flushes in post-menopausal women." ( from Netdoctor here). A week later and several degrees below the hot temperatures of last week, it does seem to have reduced my daytime flushes but I still have plenty of night sweats.

I feel like a failure in a way for allowing myself to give up and go on the HRT but having been in such a horrible state with mood swings, tears, flushes making me feel ill and back trouble that won't clear up very quickly - indeed, nerves in my legs and back seem incredibly easily irritated - I have forgiven myself for the decision. Sometimes it all gets too much and I just couldn't function day-to-day anymore.

Flowers in the rain

I am posting today about how useful it has been to be a member of The Daisy Network, the only UK charity purely supporting premature menopause. As you know, I've had a tremendously frustrating time with GPs and gynaecologists to date, but charities such as Daisy do offer us hope with their hard work getting us all answers and support that would evade us otherwise.

Sadly I couldn't make the Daisy annual conference that is arranged each year in June. This is a fantastic event when we can all meet up together and go to talks and workshops by experts who do have a clue how we can be treated - hurrah!

However, I received my Update newsletter through the post last week which devoted a full 2 pages to Dr Nick Panay's presentation which was absolutely a sight for sore eyes - how to treat and manage premature menopause/POF properly, right down to the use of bioidentical HRT and DHEA instead of the pill. I am now looking forward to the next GP appointment at which I shall be armed with this article, to ensure that my GP knows I'm not crazy and that I have thoroughly researched my treatment - and they should read the research too.

In the beginning...

Just come across this piece in the Daily Mail and it really seems like modern lifestyles aren't good for us. I'm not the only person I know with premature menopause, so I've always felt the numbers must be higher as more and more of these articles are published, most of which though are the usual negative story about high-flying career women leaving it too late to have children.

My dear Mum who passed away 9 years ago left us a blessing in the form of her diaries which she wrote all her life, so I am wondering if there are any clues to what may have happened to me in there, anything that happened to her during her pregnancy with me possibly? Widespread use of the Pill for example, occurred after my sister (now 45 and still with periods) was born but before I turned up - would the much stronger hormones used in those days have any bearing? Perhaps it isn't the whole story but part of a catalogue of unfortunate lifestyle coincidences creating the problem I now have. And no, I would never put any blame on my mother for any of this - she would be devastated at knowing what's happened to me.

The dietary changes have definitely had a fabulous effect - another 5lbs gone in the last 2 weeks adding up to a 25lb loss. I did have a faddy diet for the first 30 years of my life unfortunately which in itself stressed my body out as well as the emotional stresses that followed. So I'm of the opinion that all of these things add up to my premature menopause.

As I'm a natural researcher, I will continue with the detective work to somehow give myself closure for what's happened, and find the key to what to do next for my health.

The sun is shining

Whilst trying to find a good time to heal myself naturally of the stress that has affected my body so much, the last few months has seen a family bereavement, 2 further family members with major illness worries, a major redundancy situation coming right up (the third in five years!), and another 3 family members going through the major fallout of another divorce. So, not much to stress about then!!

Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, I am happily distracting myself with other pursuits to give light to the shade within which it's all too easy to wallow in sometimes. Not that it's not important to give time to grief and the sadness, but the happy times are what life's about and seeing the good things around me and being mindful enough to enjoy the moment is my current focus. I've been looking at photos which look like happy times but I can remember at the time being grumpy about something insignificant - what a waste. Life goes along too quickly not to enjoy as much as we can on the way.

So today I'm back at work after a fabulously distracting weekend with family, playing in my covers band The Uninvited on Friday night, seeing the Foo Fighters and Biffy Clyro on Saturday night at Milton Keynes Bowl and chilling about on Sunday. As you can guess I'm a muso, and I find it a wonderful distraction from the other stresses in life. Sometimes when I'm happily distracting myself, I feel like I'm being some kind of slacker, not dealing with practical things that I should be or facing issues "head on" but it's the joys in life that can ultimately heal you. This is the life lesson that I keep reminding myself of whenever the negative emotions return. It's July and the sun is shining :)

I believe in miracles

It was fantastic to read on Shannon's blog that her efforts to treat her infertility holistically have reaped rewards, namely a reduction of her FSH from 50 to 6.2 (post-menopausal to fertile and normal!). Contrast that with my visit to my GP today who congratulated my weight loss and consequent reduction in blood pressure but wouldn't entertain the notion that POF can be reversed in this way, and not even for the tiniest percentage of afflicted ladies.

I managed to convince her to give me a blood test to see how my FSH is doing, and she casually added a thyroid test when I started on about the fact that no-one has ultrasounded me, checked my bones, tested me for autoimmune disorders or any of these things. Her viewpoint is that the pill would solve everything for me, why would I even want HRT?

I decided not to tell her about the DHEA as that would just inflame her opinion further nor did I ask for the specialist that I wished to be referred to as she was only interested in referring me to the same gynaecologist who wanted the next conversation to be about egg donation.

Once I've had the blood test though, we will have another conversation until I get what I want. I'm afraid I do believe in "miracles" that happen once you treat the cause of your affliction holistically, rather than randomly throwing overly strong medication to plaster over the effects.

Take another little piece of my heart

Yesterday my 94 year old uncle lost his valiant fight with pneumonia, fighting to do what he wanted as he always did throughout his life right until the very end. We will miss him greatly and grief, my now lifelong friend, has popped in for an open ended stay as expected this time.

Despite on the face of it knowing that at 94 he'd enjoyed "a good innings" as we do in the UK, cricket-loving nation that we are, the reaction is no different than it would have been had he been a much younger age. In fact he's the oldest relative or friend I've known to pass away, the youngest being 12 many years ago - but this doesn't make the loss any easier. He was a father, brother, uncle and grandfather and its those relationships that define the sense of loss, not their age.

As he was a blood relative, this makes the grief much rawer especially in relation to POF. It's at times like these that I most feel the need to biologically procreate, not to replace the lost relative, but to extend family by adding a new relationship and completing a circle of life somehow. Instead, whenever a much loved family member passes away, I feel I've lost another part of myself, another piece of my heart that is me, my essence, my soul, my very core of being.

Bless you Uncle Bill - you will be sorely missed xx

Spring is in the air

Spring is so much in the air currently you could have mistaken April for July, I'm happy to say. The warmth and light certainly makes everything seem happier and brighter. Later today I'm off for a long walk to get the exercise going, right after I've had physio for my sciatic nerve pain of 5 weeks now.

It's 8 weeks since I started the DHEA, nearly 5 weeks of the new diet and I've had 6 acupuncture sessions too. I'd already lost 11lbs at week 4 so looking forward to my Wii being happy with me again when I weigh myself this week - my stomach no longer looks like I'm 8 months pregnant with a lard baby! Maybe 4 months lard-pregnant now?

I still have hot flushes and night sweats though during the daytime they have decreased a bit so I'm not quite as dog-tired as I was. At the moment I feel fully committed to the diet and believe that to be the key to feeling better in myself. Weight loss that has happened so quickly certainly adds to the motivation to carry on with it. Family and friends seem more worried that I can't share their hot cross buns and other treats with them than I am, as I don't feel particularly bothered that I'm missing out as much as I thought I would be. I put this down to my body saying that it doesn't want these things particularly so I don't get cravings. I also don't get the horrible raw hypoglycaemic hunger if I don't eat within a couple of hours of normal anymore, which is really good.

That's not to say that if someone had some chocolate I wouldn't mind a piece as occasionally I have a small bite of something "wrong" as it's not going to spoil the whole diet for me. I'm just not obsessed with the food I can't have as many dieters normally are hence the yo-yo effect with dieting.

I've also discovered Stevia, a sweetener those of us in Europe are not allowed to have at the moment but which not only is much better than sugar for you but actually helps fight off the candida - yippee! So this week, I'm going to make a gluten-free lemon cake with potato instead of flour and Stevia instead of sugar. If it works out well, I'll post the recipe here..

What's my name?

I am very aware that worse things could happen to me than POF, this isn't a serious life or death situation on the surface. However like those who have depression and other mental disorders, this isn't always as easy to deal with as "pull yourself together", in fact the stress involved has been researched to be akin to having a diagnosis of a serious disease. I am grieving my loss of reproductive ability that 99% of women my age still have. It makes absolutely no difference with POF if I want children or not, it's the fact that it's no longer an option open to me in the conventional way. Having an ovulation process that works is part of the essence of being a young female and without it, I often feel that I've totally failed at being female.

Of course, that's not how those of us with this should think about it, but we do partly because of the name: Premature Ovarian Failure. To this end, it's been mooted to replace the name Premature Ovarian Failure with Primary Ovarian Insufficiency to remove the "failing" element because we haven't failed but our ovaries have. There's much more to me and my life than a pair of ovaries I would hope! Premature Menopause also has negative connotations as "menopause" is a word that shouldn't be in our vocabulary until our late 40s at the earliest. And yes I have days where I also think it is POF or menopause, just get over it, but it's such a final sounding name that gives no hope, when in fact for some of us lucky enough, total ovarian failure isn't always the case. And whats more, being female is not about ovaries or mammary glands, that's simply the biological aspect. I reserve the right to throw a girly hissy fit, wear makeup and dresses (well, sometimes), mother those around me whether they want it or not and dance around my handbag if I want to!

Man, I feel like an old woman

It's been over a week since I last posted and I wanted to share some good news first which is that around 24 hours after that last post, I started feeling a lot better in myself. Headaches gone, a flatter tummy including 5lbs weight loss in as many days, and a feeling that though I still don't get a night's sleep at a time, my insomnia has improved a little.

So to spoil the fun I decided to do my regular fitness DVD and thought that the legs, bums and tums section would be good to do. I managed a few crunches on the floor, remembered I don't like them as they strain my neck, so grabbed the gym ball (the one you buy then kick around a bit, and occasionally sit on when there isn't enough seating for visitors!) and did some crunches including the oblique side ones. Feeling happy I'd got the toning part of the back-to-exercise plan going I went to bed but woke up the next day feeling way too sore to have just done a few crunches. Another day later, the pain was immense and was clearly related to a major nerve. I realised this was sciatic pain from my lower back all the way down to my knee - joy!

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my work-related discount physio just a day later who armed me with a new exercise plan ("no more crunches" - woohoo!). Though the new stretches and copious painkiller regime haven't magically fixed it, I did notice that sitting in the office today, whilst not exactly comfortable, wasn't quite the painful nightmare that it was last week.

Just before the nerve pain started last week, I noticed my right knee has started making an interesting crunchy stretchy noise when I get up from squatting...man, I feel like an old woman...

I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore

Well it's 3 days (Friday) after the scan, I've been sugar free since Wednesday and 95% wheat/gluten free too and I feel....awful. But this is what I expected as I need to wean off the nasties. I've only ever had oral thrush once after antibiotics years ago and don't have the digestive symptoms so I'm thinking my pancreas may well be stressed but not to the point that I'm coeliac or diabetic particularly. I've just enjoyed my food and drink a bit too much like most people. My GP did give me a cholesterol and diabetes blood test a month or so ago when she didn't like my extra weight so I will go and have that done though I also know from a test I've had since at work that my cholesterol isn't scary at 4.8. Lots of other slimmer people were getting 6 or more so that's hopefully because my diet is cooked from scratch as much as possible. However I will persist with this as it's a plausible theory and I have weight to lose anyway.

Can you hear the sound of me convincing myself this is all a good idea after another rough night meant I was off work yesterday utterly exhausted? Thought so. I'm sitting here like someone who's been driving somewhere all night and whose body clock is totally off kilter. A double espresso with sugar would solve it temporarily but that's not an option. I have a rapid pulse with the flushes as it is so it wouldn't be a great idea.

My third acupuncture appointment last night after I finally got up properly around 5pm was good though, the needles hurt and some were above the knee for the first time, but I was floaty once more afterwards.

Bioresonance scan

Alison, my acupuncturist, recommended that I have a bioresonance scan to detect where my imbalances are in my body, so off I went to see Susie Cornell yesterday. Now I'm usually pretty cynical about this sort of thing however under the circumstances, I'm up for trying anything that may help me or work out what's happened and why.

After taking the usual medical history, I discovered I was already being scanned as I was filling in the paperwork.  I then put two wristbands on that were attached to the E-Lybra bioresonance machine and something that looked like a small version of a disco lights rope round my neck which was also attached to the machine. On closer inspection the "rope" seemed to have small coloured stones in it. Hmmmm.

As I sat there and Susie was getting feedback that she was interpreting for me, a curious thing happened: she seemed to detect a lot of psychological and physical symptoms that I've had even as specific as my feet (arch) problems and recent styes in both eyes. Now really, she could be doing a Derren Brown on me but I'm happy to be Derren'd if it works just as a placebo so long as something works! What was even more uncanny was that my very recent food choices seemed to show up on the machine too, from my daily porridge (too much my body says) right down to the extra portions of lamb I've had last week as lamb is good for kidney Yin (it's now banned from my new diet - nooo!)

The E-lybra was apparently detoxing me and I've got a pendant to wear or have near me with my program on it that will work for up to 3 months. It's not a biggie to have a pendant near me so it can't hurt, I thought with an open mind. But the part that I was most interested in is what my body was saying about nutrition and adding more to the story of what's happened to me.

It seems now that my body was doing a good but hard job fighting off candida growth until Mum died, when the emotional shock hit my immune system which led to candida overgrowth. This then in turn affected my ovaries shutting them down. It is very true to say that candida has been implicated as an auto-immune cause of POF so my interest was piqued by this diagnosis. A personalised anti-candida change in diet along with some Ecobalance supplements to fight off the candida is the plan for the next 3 months. I don't digest sugar, wheat and gluten easily so I have fairly obvious foods to totally avoid within my list of individual worst offenders. If I fall off the wagon occasionally or just cut down rather than eliminate the food that's apparently ok too thank goodness!

Up and down and up and down and...

Bursting into tears because I couldn't find a belt for my jeans yesterday was a little overdramatic I must say, but that's what happens at the drop of a hat for those of us enjoying the ups and downs of hormone levels. Grrr!! Once the tears have fallen (and after the inevitable hot flush) then there is a period of calm and then I'm kind of myself again, but then the cycle of tears and calm continues on a repetitive loop.

I must have cried enough tears to have lost a stone by now but alas I haven't lost the weight. Maybe I'm making up for the several years after my Mum died when I found crying nigh on impossible, but had painful RSI and the POF started instead. Which may mean it's a good thing as it's letting out the stress in a healthier way, though losing a belt is really not the end of the world!

Sometimes the tears are for no reason at all really, just the slightest thing starts me off like the lost belt, but at other times it's the frustration of no sleep because of never-ending night sweats or at worst, it's an all consuming grief for the children that I can't have - whether I wanted them or not, they can no longer happen and I need to grieve their loss.

To eat or not to eat but what? Is the question...

We've all read these stories in the media about the effects of drinking or eating certain things only once a day, 5.2 portions a day or cutting them out completely as that will or won't have a positive effect on heart disease, mental health, chances of getting cancer and so on. Really and truly, apart from some broad generalisations like eating pasties and ice cream is not a great idea on a regular basis, then our own health is very individual: what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Eventually there will come a time when there will be tests on our DNA and blood which will give us all a personalised plan of how to look after ourselves nutritionally, mentally and physically.

Until that time comes, it can be quite stressful with POF to work out what I should or shouldn't be eating. Hot flushes do punish me if I drink alcohol or caffeine, I have one coffee a day now and virtually no alcohol. But the rest is arguable depending on how much oestrogen I need to replace, whether I'm following Western and/or Chinese nutrition guidelines (Zita West's book shows how to combine both), treating specific menopausal symptoms, and the other lifestyle changes I'm making. What's good for one thing is not necessarily good for another. Soya products, which I previously regularly ate and drank when I wasn't eating meat for 10 years, are or aren't effective as they contain phyto-oestrogens, can reduce cholesterol, ward off osteoporosis and some cancers. The jury is still out now though as they also increase the risks of other cancers, don't always stave off menopausal symptoms and may not be the wonder food they were first made out to be after all. And that's not the only food where there's a conflict.

After driving myself crazy obsessing over what is and isn't good for me, I've decided to cut out the processed stodge and too many sweet things, and just ensure that whatever food I eat is varied and good quality, and I aim to eat at regular intervals during the day. So meat is organic and bought from a farm shop or local butcher, fish is wild and not farmed (my other half needs to do more sea fishing from his boat which he loves!), I drink lots of water during the day now and I try to eat breakfast every morning (ok I had my porridge at 11.55am today!).

Probably the most important thing though is not to stress about what I'm eating as that negates why I'm changing my food choices in the first place! Zita West promotes combining Western and Eastern medicine and nutrition but not going on a "diet" per se or worrying about eating cakes and drinking wine if it happens occasionally - now where's that lovely hot chocolate?

Acupuncture and Craniosacral therapy second appointment

On Saturday I had my second appointment with Alison. This time the needles went in my lower legs again from just under the knee on my shin to the top of my feet just under where the toes start, plus 3 or 4 needles around my tummy button. The needles nearest my toes hurt this time and I could definitely feel the ones in my legs too though the tummy ones didn't hurt at all. I didn't think to ask Alison as it was the same points as the previous time and I assumed this means that that needles are doing what they should be. I think I will ask her next time, particularly if it happens again.

She also did some cranial work under my neck, and lots of mouthwork not with the needles but she put her fingers in my inside cheekbones, the roof and floor of my mouth and on my teeth. This was to unlock the communication that is lacking in my system since the period of intense stress that caused this. I didn't feel relaxed afterwards this time, not anything like as groggy and relaxed as I was on the first appointment, I just felt pretty much as I had when I walked in, so not sure what to make of that really.

Both of these appointments were early mornings, I'm switching to weekday evenings for the rest of my appointments that I have booked so it will be interesting to see if this makes a difference at all.

I'm also planning to go back to my GP to have tests done to see if the acupuncture and/or DHEA has had any impact on my FSH and other hormone levels. Plus I'm going to keep an eye on my blood pressure too as she had said that it should be lowered after treatment. I'll try not to get my hopes up too high yet though as it's easy to get excited and then be let down. Fingers crossed!

Error 4.04am: Sleep Not Found

This morning I woke up at 4.04am as I've realised I do every morning, always between 4 and 5am. I had had problems getting to sleep a few months ago while still on Yasmin however, it's now waking up in the night that plagues me most. I've almost forgotten what it's like to get a full night's sleep now. Still, I do remind myself that's only the same as the average new Mum I guess, and they have a child to deal with, at least I don't have that too!

The insomnia is ongoing with the night flushes now added in since I'm pill free, I tried a fan last night and froze until I turned it off when I was then too hot - can't win! And then just as I thought I'm getting dozy enough to get some decent sleep, suddenly it's 6.30am and I need to be up and about to go to work. I go to bed at or around 10pm generally, only have one cup of coffee with caffeine in the mornings and don't drink much at all anymore apart from special occasions.

I've tried milky hot chocolate, valerian and hops herbal sleep aids, exercising in the early evenings to tire me out, reading, but none seem to do it for me. Well, I can get off to sleep better now but I can't sleep for the whole night.

And then I just feel so groggy and lethargic during the day at times (afternoon meetings - nooo!!) which doesn't help me cutting down the coffee to one a day - my quest for a good night's sleep continues...

Feeling hot, hot, hot flushes

Thinking about all of this, I think for me the one symptom that sums up POF and encapsulates its emotional and physical impact is the dreaded hot flush (known as hot flash in the US). Hot flushes are so synonymous with ladies in their late 40s/early 50s, and as you look around an average office, the fans and windows open are generally near these ladies (I say this with my fan on!). So when anyone mentions that I've got a fan on and they say "hot flush?" jokingly, I say yes and then explain it to them as those of us with POF aren't a common breed!

Any woman with hot flushes knows how wretched they make you feel, robbing you of sleep overnight in the form of night sweats, and very draining in general. I'm not belittling the experience of menopause for women of any age but when I had my first dose of hot flushes aged 33, I felt like a hot, sweaty, dried up old woman, like a fruit that's been left on the shelf too long, all wizened and no longer pleasing to look at either. Grey hair was also proliferating at my roots and I remember staring at the bathroom mirror one day seeing a much older me 15-20 years early - in floods of hot tears.

Since I've come off Yasmin the flushes are back with a vengeance and I realise that I judge my oestrogen levels within myself by this one symptom. I did start taking black cohosh this week but I'm already off it as recent research says that it only works as a placebo. I'm drinking soya milk again as there is conflicting evidence that soya can help, I've also started deep abdominal breathing as that cuts them down by 50%, and I've happily discovered I can make them end more quickly and reduce their effects by deep breathing when I feel one coming on.  I'm also going to start swimming again as that's the one exercise where I'm always in a cool environment.

The one thing I've noticed this time that I didn't before though is how I can bring one on with emotions, literally making me "hotheaded" i.e. if I'm angry or sad or happy or just generally expressing a strong emotional reaction to something. I think this in itself adds to the argument that stress can cause this, as emotions and stress have always had a physical effect on me. Conversely, a hot flush can also upset and frustrate me, reminding me in those few minutes once an hour or so that my body's not functioning properly.

My story so far, part 3 - could DHEA be the key?

After the appointment with the gynaecologist, I carried on with Yasmin for the rest of 2010. Then in January 2011 I was doing some more internet research, when I stumbled over something I'd come across before but not really paid much attention to: DHEA.

I pieced together from various searches and sites how a lack of DHEA in my system could possibly hold the key to why I'm menopausal and how I can possibly...maybe...reverse it all!! Woohoo!! Some research by the Neogenesis clinic in Greece and by the Center for Human Reproduction in the US have had some recent excellent results in supposedly post menopausal women like me.

I don't claim to be an expert or adviser on anything that I try and explain here so please look this up for yourself on Google and you'll soon find the information (I'll add links to the blog too). Basically, DHEA is a type of "master/mother" hormone which links the body's adrenal stress system (cortisol, adrenalin) with the hormonal system (oestrogen, progesterone, testosterone). When the body is under acute and then chronic long term stress, then DHEA levels can apparently reduce to permanently low levels as they are overwhelmed by our adrenal system, which then put the body in permanent "fight or flight" syndrome. This in turn shuts down the reproductive system, as our bodies cleverly decide that "now" is not a good time to be pregnant. This is fine when stress is short term as it would have been for our ancient ancestors who needed "fight or flight", but in today's modern lifestyles where chronic stress is very prevalent in young women's lives, this process is our reproductive enemy.

The thinking is from some sources, that DHEA supplements could effectively restart the reproductive system by helping protect the reproductive hormones from the damaging effects of the adrenal system, which would then allow hormones to rise back to normal levels, effectively "reversing" the menopause. Most studies and forum entries suggest that 75mg per day for 4 months is the optimum amount and time for the the DHEA to do its job most successfully - alongside acupuncture and a healthier lifestyle. I must add there are also reports of side effects including hair loss, acne, increased body hair and many more unwanted effects, plus little or no knowledge of the long term effects which may or may not be reversible once coming off the DHEA. I wouldn't recommend anyone does what I'm doing without medical consultation - this is just a decision I've made for me, and it may well be the wrong one.

Needless to say, I've come off the pill now, started on 25mg on DHEA for 10 days now upped to 50mg a day, started acupuncture, plus multivitamins, soy isoflavones, Co-Enzyme Q10 and Black Cohosh (for hot flushes - aarrggh!!), am making better diet choices including very little alcohol or caffeine (sooo hard!) and more exercise as my BMI has crept up to around 27.

Wish me luck and I'll report the results as they happen..

Acupuncture and Craniosacral therapy first appointment

Today I had my first experience with acupuncture and craniosacral therapy at The Plumb Blossom Clinic whom I'd read a recommendation for on one of the in/fertility forums that I lurk on.

The appointment was earlier than I'd have preferred at 8.30am but it worked out to be a good choice of time as I've been floating and sleepy for the rest of the day! I'm impressed so far, as one of the main reasons to choose therapies from traditional chinese medicine is that it looks at the causes of health problems rather than the effects of them. Alison took a full medical history and we talked about stress and its effects on the body. This was the first time that I felt that I am being treated by investigating the whole picture of what's happened, not just instant fixing my missing oestrogen supply with Yasmin or HRT.

In case you're wondering, I could feel the needles going in but they just felt like pin pricks. I've had my ears pierced 3 and 4 times each, and my nose pierced before so wasn't worried about pain at all anyway. She started with my lower legs and toes, plus my hands where the I felt the needles more. They were left in for around 15-20 minutes and after a while I was so relaxed the needles felt like they warm and glowing or buzzing almost. Alison cradled my head and applied pressure there and above and below my pelvic bone.

As I'd read already in "The Infertility Cure" by Randine Lewis already, I have a Yin deficiency causing my body to have too much dryness and heat, hence the hot flushes and amenorrhoea. I need to restore the Yin which will replace the lost moisture in my body, and this is one of the main areas to be worked on. I have booked a further 5 sessions with Alison over the coming weeks and am looking forward to working with her again.

My story so far, part 2

Fast forward one marriage breakup, a new relationship, two house moves and three years later to early 2010. Life is calmer than it was and a visit to a different (newly qualified) GP sparks his interest in why I'm on Yasmin when I've over 35 with high blood pressure and would I like to try the progestogen only mini-pill Cerazette instead? (I'd also been back to GP and off Yasmin for one month in summer 2009 for headaches which didn't go away when I came off)

I thought to myself that this was always going to need checking at some stage so why not now? Yes please, I'll switch to Cerazette. Not immediately but around 2-3 weeks later, back came the hot flushes with a vengeance, and back I went to the surgery to have another FSH blood test done. This time it was 82! So even worse than the 63 back in 2007. This time it dawned on me that there's something very wrong that could be permanently irreversible - and that realisation hit me hard.

I immediately bought myself another private gynaecologist appointment as I wanted answers. She confirmed I was in premature menopause/premature ovarian failure (interchangeable terms it seems - that's another discussion in itself), did an internal exam then asked about children as clearly I would need egg donation, and I could be referred to a clinic who could send me on a fertility tourism "holiday" to get "An Egg". She was obviously trying to help me as quickly and cheaply as possible but to me:

(a) I want further tests to see exactly what is wrong with my body

(b) no-one has looked at possible causes?? ...and

(c) if I wish to have children (this diagnosis is not just about having children!) then I may not necessarily want to "buy" a cheap, unidentified egg off some poor woman in Eastern Europe like I'm buying a pair of shoes???

I was offered and then unoffered an ultrasound, as she realised I had paid for the appointment directly, and didn't have health insurance to cover the cost. She then recommended I stay on Yasmin and not HRT, as that would prepare my body better for future egg donation pregnancy (didn't explain why?), and I was to come back once my partner and I had decided we wished to go ahead with egg donation. Great. So until that time then, it doesn't matter that my body has gone through menopause too early with all the possible long term problems that brings, all the concerns about me staying on Yasmin have gone out the window, and I'll just stay on pause then in the middle of medical nowhereville for an undetermined length of time......

My story so far, part 1

My story dates back to 2006 when I decided it was time to give my body a break from pretty much non stop use of the pill, namely Dianette and Yasmin, since I was a teenager.

My periods were very light and started skipping and I began to get hot flushes and night sweats more commonly associated with a much later time of life. I remember naturally assuming that coming off the pill would mean my body would take time to reset itself and get back to normal. During that year, the threat of redundancies at work also came to light adding to the stress, hence not worrying overly about it.

In early 2007, things were still not right so I saw my GP who recommended a blood test in which my FSH levels were tested. FSH is Follicle Stimulating Hormone which is the hormone responsible for sparking up the menstrual cycle each month, sending a signal from your pituitary gland in the brain to the follicles in your ovaries to release an egg. A normal level for a woman before menopause would be approx from 0 to 10 (depending on who you talk to!), as a normally menstruating woman would not need much FSH to release an egg. From 10 - 20 indicates means you've got problems and anything over 25, we're talking menopausal ranges as it means that your brain is sending more and more of the FSH signal to get the egg released but your ovaries are not interested anymore.

My level came back as 63. Not just I've got a problem or I'm pre-menopausal even, but straight through to the other side. There it was on paper. I was post-menopausal at just 33 years old.

I made an appointment to see a gynaecologist though there were problems with when he could see me, so I decided not to see him. I was going through a hellish time with all the flushes every hour, no sleep, night sweats all sorts, plus I also had other stressful problems going on in my life too so what did I do next? I lied to the GP, said my periods were back, must be stress and I was happily back on Yasmin pretending none of that ever happened. Yes it was denial, but I thought that I needed to sort out all my other stresses first, then when my life had calmed down and I was more settled again, I'd come off the pill again and then everything would be back to normal, right?

Welcome to my blog

Having spent months and months trying to learn all I can about POF (that's the name I'll use) since the initial diagnosis in 2007, I've decided it's now time for me to share my journey: firstly for me so I can express my feelings and thoughts about it, and secondly so anyone else out there also on this journey or with friends/family on this journey can know that you're not alone.

I've personally found forums, communities, books and blogs to be tremendously insightful and educational, and will be adding links to the ones that have helped me the most during my journey so far.