Up and down and up and down and...

Bursting into tears because I couldn't find a belt for my jeans yesterday was a little overdramatic I must say, but that's what happens at the drop of a hat for those of us enjoying the ups and downs of hormone levels. Grrr!! Once the tears have fallen (and after the inevitable hot flush) then there is a period of calm and then I'm kind of myself again, but then the cycle of tears and calm continues on a repetitive loop.

I must have cried enough tears to have lost a stone by now but alas I haven't lost the weight. Maybe I'm making up for the several years after my Mum died when I found crying nigh on impossible, but had painful RSI and the POF started instead. Which may mean it's a good thing as it's letting out the stress in a healthier way, though losing a belt is really not the end of the world!

Sometimes the tears are for no reason at all really, just the slightest thing starts me off like the lost belt, but at other times it's the frustration of no sleep because of never-ending night sweats or at worst, it's an all consuming grief for the children that I can't have - whether I wanted them or not, they can no longer happen and I need to grieve their loss.

Error 4.04am: Sleep Not Found

This morning I woke up at 4.04am as I've realised I do every morning, always between 4 and 5am. I had had problems getting to sleep a few months ago while still on Yasmin however, it's now waking up in the night that plagues me most. I've almost forgotten what it's like to get a full night's sleep now. Still, I do remind myself that's only the same as the average new Mum I guess, and they have a child to deal with, at least I don't have that too!

The insomnia is ongoing with the night flushes now added in since I'm pill free, I tried a fan last night and froze until I turned it off when I was then too hot - can't win! And then just as I thought I'm getting dozy enough to get some decent sleep, suddenly it's 6.30am and I need to be up and about to go to work. I go to bed at or around 10pm generally, only have one cup of coffee with caffeine in the mornings and don't drink much at all anymore apart from special occasions.

I've tried milky hot chocolate, valerian and hops herbal sleep aids, exercising in the early evenings to tire me out, reading, but none seem to do it for me. Well, I can get off to sleep better now but I can't sleep for the whole night.

And then I just feel so groggy and lethargic during the day at times (afternoon meetings - nooo!!) which doesn't help me cutting down the coffee to one a day - my quest for a good night's sleep continues...